Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Suck At Sleeping

I've never been a good sleeper. It is not one of my special talents. Dog snoring and husband sleep talking (and once sleep truck driving) doesn't help that much either.

A few months ago, in the middle of the night, J nudged me awake, laughed and said, "That's so typical of night," in his sleep talking voice.

"You're sleeping!" I said, hoping to fall asleep again before I shifted into wide awake.

"But it's so typical of night," he said.

"No, it's not!" I said. "Go back to sleep!"

"It's not? It's not typical of night?" He was annoyed. "It's NOT typical of night?"

"Fine," I said. "It's so typical of night!"

And with that, J was instantly asleep again, and I was past the point of no return on being awake. The next morning when I asked, he had no idea what he could have been talking about.

Sunday night, J woke up at 1:45 with a foot cramp. Or at least he was dreaming he had a foot cramp, I'm not sure if it was real. For some reason, in my just awake haze, I thought he was pulling his toenail off and started freaking out that he was hurting himself. He was merely rubbing his foot, and was back to sleep in seconds.

At 1:50, I remembered that I left a switch on in the basement, and got up to turn it off. An old wall fan that I've never turned on in the entire time we've lived in this house was on, which was kind of creepy. I turned it off.

1:55 - lay in bed wondering if that fan had some kind of connection to the nearby furnace.

2:00 - still wondering. Start to worry the house might explode (I'm completely irrational when I wake up in the middle of the night, which adds to the fun) because the fan could be a critical part of the heating system, and maybe it should have stayed on.

2:10 - start to fall asleep. Argo making smacking noises with his mouth in his sleep. Decide he's thirsty and wake him up to give him some water. He wags his tail while he's drinking, but is still so sleepy that I have to direct him back to his dog bed. It's really cute.

2:30 - almost asleep, but awake enough to hear the cat puke (she's fine, she just pukes a lot). Decide to clean it up in the AM.

2:31 - realize Argo was also awake enough to hear the cat puke and will clean it up himself if I don't get to it first. Get up and clean it.

2:35 - back in bed. Cat pukes again, this time while running into the living room to puke on the rug. Get up and chase puking cat around the living room.

2:40 - back in bed. Decide the fan could have been connected to the switch. Get up to check my theory. It's not connected. Freaked out all over again that the fan was on.

3:00 - back in bed, almost asleep. Stella starts sleep barking. A lot. Waking her up is usually a bad idea, so I wait it out, and finally fall asleep again at some point after that.

And, of course, J slept through all of this. When I told him about it the next morning, he barely even remembered the foot cramp. "Of course," I said. "That's so typical of night."


abbersnail said...

This made me laugh out loud! I, too, suck at sleeping. The Horse Whisperer flails around and talks in his sleep, and the cats love to race around the house... many nights I just accept that it is a lost cause, and get up.

Corinne Bowen said...

This was effing hilarious and not because I enjoy your pain. I can just totally relate! Steve is also a very good sleeper and I am not! Sometimes I get so mad at him for sleeping so well that I have to go downstairs because my jealousy is keeping me awake. Although, sometimes I catch a good movie. Truman Show was on the other night at 2AM.

flurrious said...

I've been told that I'm a sleep-talker, and that I have said, "you're standing on my foot" more than once. I have no idea what I mean by that.

Have you seen Sleep Talkin' Man? It's a record of everything the blogger's husband says in his sleep. Evidently, he's got some kind of running issue with lentils.

mudnessa said...

OMG so funny. I do feel for you not being able to sleep though. I wish my sleep issues were comical so I could find some fun in it but they aren't. But back to you, this is one of the funniest real things I have read recently. Thanks for that.

Unknown said...

Two words for you: EAR PLUGS!

My hubby wears them because the dog snores. I wear one because hubby snores. Why only one earplug? Because the thought of two adults with plugged ears sleeping in a house with two children just seems terribly unsafe. ;)

Thank goodness I don't have the baby monitors to keep me awake anymore. Hope you get some sleep tonight!

TMC said...

I totally get it. I can sleep fine so long as I'm by myself but if Husband (he's on the road most of the time) is here, I wake up 2 or 3 times a night. I sleep with earplugs and fight a battle to push his feet back to his side of the bed without waking him up. I honestly tried for Lucy and Ricky beds but he wouldn't go for it.

courtney said...

So J can have conversations in his sleep? M sleep talks too, but he just says one thing at a time. One time my college roommate sat straight up in her bed, looked at me, and said, "OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE SO COOL" and then just laid back down.

Sorry you had such a crummy night! Chasing a pukey cat around in the middle of the night cannot be fun.

Kirsten said...

i'm a terrible sleeper, too. while acupuncture has helped me out a lot... i've yet to truly master it. anyway, M has a tendency to laugh in his sleep. it makes me laugh. win/win.

Lenore Appelhans said...

I am a champion sleeper - especially since I've had the kittehs. We call them lazymakers.

Noelle said...

I'm normally a great sleeper, but I have nights like that, minus the hilarity. They are so confounding.

WendyCinNYC said...

I'm a terrible sleeper, too. And, like you, I obsess over stupid things in the middle of the night. The other night, I couldn't stop thinking about the ending of a book I read months ago, and what it was supposed to mean. LIKE IT MATTERS AT 3 AM. Ugh! Turn off, brain.

AL said...

I laughed and laughed, only because this is very typical living with my J. My J has sleep talking/walking/shooting/pirate attacking on a regular basis. The cat puking and dogs wanting to eat it is a common episode too.

A major difference is that with a blood disorder my body thinks it is extremely tired all the time...so falling asleep is never a problem.

My J never remembers any of it either...I have heard we can blame the mother ;)

A Free Man said...

I'm really good at sleeping, in fact I've made it into an art form. Particularly sleeping through early morning sleep distractions like crying babies or punches from partner to wake up and deal with crying babies. Sleeping rocks.

Howling Hill said...

Have you considered drinking some catnip tea before you go to bed? It's a sedative.

The Modern Gal said...

Ok, you're punchline is priceless.

I go back and forth between being an awesome sleeper and having insomnia, and I'm sort of in an insomnia stage right now. I get just as irrational as you in the middle of the night and do a good job of stressing myself out.

Reluctant Blogger said...

Yeah it made me laugh too. I have never encountered a sleep-talker. It sounds tiring but intriguing and amusing (no, not amusing in the middle of the night I know).

I am going through a phase of not being able to get off to sleep - it's rather annoying. And last night I had the most vivid dream, one of those realistic kind of everyday ones, and I can't shake off the feeling that it all happened.

Hope you get a good night soon.

Mickey said...

I'd have to find my own quarters. I'm a light sleeper, too, but I insist on getting some. Sleep, that is.